Do you ever feel that no matter how hard you try, you’re still inadequate? If you answered yes, it could be because chronic shame is at the root of your experiences. 

Chronic shame is a long-standing, internalised feeling of not being good enough. While situational shame is triggered by an event and then disappears, chronic shame becomes part of a person’s core identity.

The good news is, over time, chronic shame can be healed. In this article, we’ll explore chronic shame and how self-compassion can help with the healing process.

How Chronic Shame Manifests

The problem with chronic shame is that it works in the background. Very often, people don’t realise that shame is the source of various thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Here are some ways shame can manifest: 

• Thoughts. Chronic shame is associated with negative self-talk, such as “I’m a failure,” or “I’m fundamentally flawed.”
• Emotions. Chronic shame can manifest as feelings of unworthiness, incompetence, or vulnerability.
• Behaviours. Chronic shame can often be the cause of behaviours like avoidance, withdrawing, perfectionism, people-pleasing, or numbing.

Where Chronic Shame Comes From

Chronic shame patterns are usually developed early in life. More specifically, chronic shame forms when caregivers are not sensitive to the needs of the child, are neglectful, emotionally distant, or too critical. 

It’s challenging for a child to recognise the shortcomings of their parents. So, if a child's needs are not met or they’re abused, the more natural thing to do is to assume that there's something wrong with them, not their parents – this is where chronic shame starts. 

Over time, this shame is internalised and leads the person to feel like that they’re not good enough or worthy of being loved.

Chronic Shame Is Primarily an Emotional State

Chronic shame functions more like an implicit memory or emotional imprint rather than a consciously held belief.

It’s not about believing ‘I am unworthy’.

It’s more like feeling unworthy on a deep, automatic level, even when you consciously know that isn’t true.

Chronic shame is therefore best described as a conditioned response rooted in past experiences, often activated without conscious awareness.

While it can shape thought patterns and self-perception, people experiencing shame may not consciously believe the negative messages they feel. For example, someone might logically know they’re worthy yet still feel unworthy when triggered.

This disconnect is what makes shame so powerful. It bypasses rational thought and manifests as an automatic emotional reaction.

Instead of using the term core beliefs in relation to shame, we’d argue that learned patterns of self-perception (that operate beneath conscious awareness) is more appropriate.

Healing chronic shame, then, is less about changing explicit beliefs, and more about rewiring the nervous system's conditioned responses.

Want a deep dive on this topic? Be sure to check out The Thinking Slow Method inside The Mental Wellbeing Toolkit.

Signs of Chronic Shame

Here are some common signs that chronic shame could be at the core of your challenges:

• You have harsh self-talk. For example, a co-worker compliments your work, and your mind tells you, “They’re just being nice, they don’t actually mean it”.
• You struggle with social anxiety. For example, you find it hard to participate in group discussions or turn down social events because they make you feel uncomfortable.
• You base your self-worth on your achievements. For example, if you fail at something, make a mistake, or let someone down, you feel like you’re a bad person rather than just acknowledging that you made a mistake.
• You experience emotional flashbacks. In moments of intense distress, you might suddenly feel small, defective, helpless, or intensely unworthy.
• You constantly feel like an imposter. For example, you’re promoted at work and think: “I don’t actually deserve this.”
• You tend to numb your feelings. For example, you turn to work, social media, TV, or other vices to avoid the discomfort you feel.

If any of this resonates with you, it’s possible that you experience chronic shame. The good news is that shame is learned, which means it can also be unlearned.

How Self-Compassion Heals Chronic Shame

Chronic shame can be healed, and awareness is the first step in doing so. However, knowing that chronic shame exists is not enough to make it go away. To really step out of chronic shame, we must practice self-compassion. 

Self-compassion is the opposite of shame. It’s a proven, research-backed method of creating emotional resilience, enhancing overall quality of life, and decreasing the effects of chronic shame.

It consists of three key components:

1. Mindfulness. The ability to acknowledge our thoughts and feelings without criticising or judging ourselves for having them.
2. Common humanity. The understanding that imperfection and suffering are part of the human experience, and that everyone has challenges.
3. Self-kindness. Treating ourselves with the same care that we’d offer to a loved one when they’re struggling.

Self-Kindness is Key

Shame conditions us to feel that we’re bad and that we don’t deserve love. Self-compassion is the antidote, with self-kindness being particularly important.

Self-kindness is about cultivating a nurturing attitude towards ourselves, especially in moments of vulnerability.

It involves offering the same love, patience, and understanding we’d extend to a loved one.

Self-kindness is crucial because it acts as the antidote to the neglect that may have formed our experience of chronic shame in the first place – it rewires the emotional response that was conditioned during times of neglect.

Instead of reacting to moments of vulnerability with shame, self-kindness cultivates a new emotional environment where we can recognise our own needs and respond with love and compassion.

Over time, this practice helps to heal the wound left by neglect.

Practical Steps for Building Self-Compassion

Treat Yourself Like a Loved One

• Try to imagine that someone you love (your friend, partner, pet, etc.) is experiencing the same kind of mental suffering.
• Ask yourself, “How would I respond to them?” 
• Now, turn that same care towards yourself. Speak to yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a loved one.
• For example, if your mind is telling you ‘I’m fundamentally flawed’, try responding with ‘I feel fundamentally flawed.’ The difference is subtle but powerful. You’re recognising your feelings as valid, rather than engaging with a self-critical, shame-inducing statement.
• Over time, this practice can shift your inner dialogue, allowing you to create a more compassionate relationship with yourself.

Use Somatic Practices to Soothe Your Nervous System

Shame tends to activate the “fight-flight-or-freeze” mode of the nervous system, and somatic practices can help signal safety and calm the body. Here are some somatic exercises that can help increase self-compassion and regulation:

• Hand on heart. Put your hand on your heart and take a few slow, deep breaths.
• Hug yourself. Hold your arms across your chest and hug yourself lightly.
• Breathing exercises. Practice slow, deep breathing to activate the body’s relaxation response.
• Body scan meditation. This involves gently scanning your body from head to toe, paying attention to any areas of discomfort.
• Use a weighted blanket. The deep pressure from a weighted blanket can help activate the body’s parasympathetic nervous system, leading to a sense of comfort.

When practiced regularly, these can help you reconnect with your body, reduce the effects of shame, and increase your ability to self-soothe. For more guidance and methods, be sure to check out The Mental Wellbeing Toolkit and The Mindfulness Journal.

Practice Small Acts of Self Care

Chronic shame can lead to neglect of personal needs (such as not getting enough sleep, working too much, etc.).

This cycle can be broken by committing to simple acts of self-care. For example: taking a short walk, preparing a nourishing meal, setting a boundary, or not taking on extra work when you’re already at full capacity.

Summary

Chronic shame is a conditioned response rooted in past experiences of childhood neglect, often activated without conscious awareness. It becomes part of a person’s core identity, leading them to feel like that they’re not good enough or worthy of being loved.

Living with chronic shame is incredibly difficult. The feeling of inadequacy interferes with your relationships and can leave you emotionally exhausted, as though you're constantly fighting an internal battle with your own mind.

We heal this suffering through awareness and self-compassion. Mindfulness, common humanity reflections, and self-kindness help rewire the nervous system's conditioned responses.

Build self-compassion by:

• Treating yourself like a loved one
• Using somatic techniques to soothe your nervous system
• Practicing small acts of self-care

Keep in mind that self-compassion is something that develops over time and requires effort. These exercises may feel odd at first, and that’s okay. The more you stick to them, the more natural they’ll become. 

Remember: progress over perfection. Healing chronic shame is not about changing who you are. It’s about learning to relate to yourself with kindness instead of criticism. 

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