If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might often feel conflicted in relationships. On one hand, you have a desire for intimacy, but on the other, there’s a sense of discomfort around emotional closeness.

This internal conflict can lead to feelings of disconnection and loneliness. You might find yourself in a constant tug-of-war between wanting to be close to others and feeling the need to pull away.

So, how to fix avoidant attachment? Keep reading to understand more about why you’re wired this way – and what you can do about it.

If you want to better understand a partner with avoidant attachment, this guide will also be a helpful resource for you.

You Fear Dependence

You may have experienced emotional neglect in childhood, which taught you that reliance on others is risky. While your physical needs were met, your emotional needs were not. As a result, you’re hyper-independent.

You avoid emotional dependence on others because you associate it with disappointment. This fear of dependence makes it hard for you to open up to or rely on your partner. When others try to be closer to you, your brain may interpret it as a threat to your independence, triggering anxiety.

These uncomfortable feelings might prompt you to create emotional distance, even if you genuinely desire closeness. This whole process can even happen subconsciously – you might not be fully aware of your fear of dependence and how it influences your behaviour.

To fix this, it’s important to take small steps towards closeness.

Leaning into being vulnerable is key. For example, if you had a stressful day at work, tell your partner. Let them support you. Over time, gradually increase the depth of what you share. It may feel uncomfortable or unnatural at first, and that’s okay. Lean into the discomfort and be proud of yourself for stepping outside of your comfort zone.

Don’t know where to start when it comes to opening up? Why not try out conversation cards? These cards can make it easier for you to share your thoughts and feelings. They create a structured, yet relaxed way to explore deeper topics, helping you connect on a more emotional level without the pressure of figuring out what to say next.

Remember: Practicing vulnerability and tolerating discomfort is essential for building trust in your relationships. Many people with avoidant attachment have developed a core belief that others are untrustworthy or unreliable. By gradually exposing yourself to vulnerability, you can start to rewrite your narratives about relationships.

Journal Prompts

Here are some journal prompts to help you build self-awareness:

• Where do I think my fear of depending on others comes from?
• What are some of the core beliefs I have about independence and dependence? How do they affect my relationships?
• In what ways do I resist emotional closeness or push people away?
• What small steps can I take to build trust in my relationships?

You’re Disconnected from Your Emotions

Have difficulties understanding how you’re feeling?

You may have learnt to numb your emotions as a defense mechanism. This often stems from early experiences where expressing your feelings was met with dismissal or ridicule – you’ve internalised the message that your feelings don’t matter.

While shutting down emotionally can provide temporary relief, it ultimately creates barriers to deeper emotional connections with others.

By numbing your own feelings, you also hinder your ability to empathise with the feelings of others.

You might also intellectualise your feelings. This defense mechanism involves rationalising emotions rather than experiencing them directly. For example, instead of feeling sadness over a loss, you might focus on analysing the situation, reflecting on the practical implications without addressing the accompanying grief.

Doing this allows you to avoid the vulnerability that comes with expressing emotions. But it’s problematic because it prevents you from processing those emotions, which can lead to unresolved feelings that resurface later in more disruptive ways.

Consequences of Unprocessed Emotions

• Irritability. You might be more prone to snapping at people or feeling easily overwhelmed by everyday challenges.
• Chronic anxiety. Over time, unprocessed emotions can lead to heightened levels of stress and anxiety, manifesting in physical symptoms like insomnia, headaches, or digestive issues.
• Emotional outbursts. For example, you could feel overwhelming anger or sadness during a minor disagreement. It could even manifest as panic attacks which feel out of the blue.
• Relationship strain. If you intellectualise your feelings of disappointment in a partner rather than discussing it openly, it can cause resentment and emotional distance over time.

How to connect more with your emotions?

Journaling is an evidence-based approach for processing your feelings.

Set aside regular time to reflect on your thoughts, emotions, and experiences. You can use prompts such as:

• What emotions have I been feeling lately? What triggered them?
• How did I respond to those emotions?
• How would I like to respond in future?

Here’s our free template for mental health journaling.

The Mental Wellbeing Toolkit is designed to help people tune into and manage their emotions.

And of course, if you have the means, therapy is a go-to resource. A therapist can guide you through the process of understanding and processing your feelings as well as developing healthy coping strategies.

You may also wish to explore educational materials on the topic of emotional intelligence.

Cultivating Empathy

As mentioned, numbing your own feelings can also hinder your ability to empathise with the feelings of others. You can address this by consciously trying to empathise.

How?

Ask yourself reflective questions, such as:

• What might my partner be experiencing emotionally right now? This encourages you to tune in to your partner’s emotional state.
• How might my partner feel about my actions? This helps you step outside of your own perspective and consider the emotional impact of your behaviour on others.
• What needs does my partner have? How can I meet them? This encourages you to consider what you can do to strengthen your relationship.

Regularly practicing this kind of empathetic thinking can lead to a deeper emotional bond with your partner.

Stop Distracting Yourself from Social Connection

Avoidantly attached people are often workaholics or spend vast amounts of time absorbed in their activities. It serves as a protective mechanism that allows them to stay emotionally distant from others. By focusing on interests that are under your control, you avoid the unpredictable and sometimes overwhelming nature of emotional closeness.

While you may achieve success in your work, the lack of meaningful connections in your personal life can leave you feeling lonely in a deeper, emotional sense. While your independence is valuable, genuine emotional connections are crucial for a truly fulfilling life.

To address this, be honest with yourself about the balance between your personal pursuits and the time you dedicate to nurturing your relationships.

Ask yourself:

• Do I consistently choose work or hobbies over spending time with others?
• When was the last time I prioritised a relationship (either romantic, familial, or friendship) over my personal interests?
• Am I avoiding certain interactions because they make me uncomfortable or require emotional vulnerability? What could growing as a person look like in this context?

Humans are social creatures who thrive on connection. Even if relationships often feel uncomfortable, they’re vital for our mental wellbeing and life satisfaction.

Communicating Your Need for Personal Space

As an avoidantly attached person, it’s important to acknowledge that you have a stronger need for personal space than others. It’s about finding a healthy balance – meeting your need for solitude while still nurturing your relationships.

When discussing this, sensitivity is key, especially if your partner has an anxious attachment style. They may fear that your need for space indicates a lack of care. Reassuring them of your feelings can help ease these concerns. For example, simple affirmations like, "I care about you and our relationship," can go a long way.

If you don’t communicate this need, you risk creating emotional distance in the relationship. Your partner might interpret your withdrawal as disinterest, which can lead to unnecessary insecurity and arguments.

Cognitive Distortions in Avoidantly Attached People

Here are two thinking patterns to be aware of when it comes to fixing the avoidant attachment style.

1. Blaming

"They’re being too clingy and demanding."

"They’re pushing me to be close – it’s their fault I’m uncomfortable."

"They’re too needy. That’s why I feel trapped."

Sound familiar?

By externalising the discomfort, you avoid confronting your fear of intimacy, placing the blame on your partner instead of recognising your own avoidance patterns.

To address this, shift the focus from blaming your partner to exploring your emotional responses. For example, instead of saying, "It's their fault I feel uncomfortable," try, "I feel uncomfortable because I'm afraid of being vulnerable."

2. Should Statements

Avoidantly attached people often impose rigid expectations on relationships, driven by internalised "should" statements that align with their need for independence. These beliefs create a barrier to emotional connection because they set unrealistic standards for both you and your partner.

Examples

• "I should always be able to handle things on my own."
• "They shouldn’t need so much from me."
• "They should know what I need without me having to tell them."

Cognitive Reframes

• "It's okay to ask for support. Support can help me feel better and it strengthens my relationship."
• "My partner’s needs are valid. Emotional connection is a normal part of healthy relationships."
• "People aren’t mind readers. Open communication is key in any relationship."

Summary

People with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with feelings of disconnection due to their fear of dependence, emotional numbing, and the tendency to distract themselves from social connection. They may use blaming and should statements which reinforce emotional distance.

To cultivate a more secure attachment style, it’s important to:

• Practice being vulnerable by gradually sharing your thoughts and feelings
• Allow yourself to receive support from others
• Practice tuning into and processing your emotions (for example, through journaling, self-help tools or therapy)
• Practice empathetic thinking
• Dedicate time to nurturing your relationships while meeting your need for personal space
• Own your feelings of unease without blaming others
• Be mindful of "should" statements that lead to unrealistic expectations and reinforce emotional distance

Want practical tools to help you tune into and process your emotions? Be sure to check out The Mental Wellbeing Toolkit – it’s like "10 therapy sessions in one".