Did you know that cognitive distortions can affect your perception of love, care and security in relationships? This is something that people with an anxious attachment style often struggle with.
If you want to learn how to challenge these thought patterns so that you can feel more at ease in your relationships, keep reading.
Noticing Black-and-White Thinking
If you have an anxious attachment style, you might often view your relationship in extremes – your partner either loves you or doesn’t care about you at all.
For example, if your partner is busy, you might interpret it as them not caring about you, rather than understanding that ebbs and flows in attention is normal. You might idealise your partner when you feel close but feel intensely negative about them when you feel uncared for.
This distorted thinking (also referred to as ‘splitting’) can make it harder to notice the ongoing care your partner actually provides.
Black-and-White Thinking Example
"They’re taking ages to respond. They obviously don’t care about me."
Cognitive Reframe
"Just because they haven’t replied yet, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. They might be having a really busy day. I can forgive one missed text."
Challenging Mental Filter
You might have the tendency to focus on the negative aspects of your partner’s behaviour while overlooking the positives.
Engaging in mental filter reinforces the idea that you’re not cared for, despite evidence to the contrary.
Remember, nobody is perfect – we’re all human, and we all make mistakes.
Notice if you’re focusing on your partner’s flaws instead of their positive qualities. When you catch yourself stuck in a negative thought loop about them, make an effort to challenge it by considering the full scope of their character. For example, if they forgot an anniversary, remind yourself of the times they were kind and thoughtful.
When you filter out the good and focus only on the bad, you create an unbalanced view of the relationship. Over time, it can lead to feelings of resentment. You’ll feel distant from your partner, even when the relationship is healthy overall.
Challenging Mental Filter Prompts
- What positives am I overlooking?
- What’s the bigger picture?
- Am I expecting perfection?
Rather than dwelling on mistakes, try to express gratitude for the things your partner does well. Showing appreciation helps shift your mindset as well as strengthening your bond.
Decatastrophising
People with an anxious attachment style are wired to hyperfocus on potential threats. Your mind has the tendency to zoom in on the worst possible interpretations of words and events.
For example, if your partner is quiet during dinner, your mind might tell you they’re bored or upset with you. An appropriate cognitive reframe would be: "Maybe they’ve had a stressful day at work. I’ll ask them how they’re feeling instead of assuming it’s about me."
A good piece of advice for harmonious relationships is to always assume good intentions. People with a secure attachment style tend to naturally think this way. By assuming your partner means well, you avoid unnecessary arguments based on wrong assumptions.
Summary
Cognitive distortions such as black-and-white thinking, mental filter, and catastrophising can play a significant role in why people with anxious attachment often struggle to feel cared for in relationships.
These distortions warp your perception of your partner’s behaviour and character, leading you to dismiss genuine signs of care. Without addressing these thought patterns, it can be difficult for you to feel secure and satisfied in relationships.
Want to improve your relationship by adopting a more balanced thinking style? Be sure to check out The Mental Wellbeing Toolkit – it’s like “10 therapy sessions in one”.
