Emotional safety is having a deep sense of security that you can be you, completely, openly and without apology.

It’s knowing you can express your feelings and your opinions freely because you’re confident that they will be met with respect and acceptance.

Of course, being you goes deeper than that, doesn’t it? There’s a vulnerable you, a fearful you that worries despite knowing better, and a human you that occasionally makes mistakes.

Emotional safety is safety for all these versions of yourself, allowing you to share your vulnerabilities in the secure knowledge that they will be consistently met with support and understanding.

What Are the Five Foundations of Emotional Safety?

1. Acceptance

Acceptance is an acknowledgement that you are worthy, in your feelings, words and actions. There’s no need for protective defences. It’s like hearing the words of an old friend, “Come as you are”.

2. Respect

When you experience respect, your needs, values and opinions are honoured, even where these prove to be difficult or inconvenient. Respect is present in actions and words.

3. Equality

Where equality is present there is sharing; of understanding, responsibilities, decision making, and opinions. You’re both contributing equally to the relationship and there’s “give and take” on both sides. Every interaction is founded on mutual respect.

4. Validation

Validation is feeling that you’ve been heard, valued and understood. It forms a vital building block in any relationship, developing a sense of safety and trust which serves to deepen your shared bond.

5. Trust

Caring consistent behaviour and responses shape trust. As trust grows, so does your sense of security and safety, leading you to feel totally secure in sharing your thoughts and feelings without fear of ridicule, rejection or abandonment.

What Are the Benefits of an Emotionally Safe Relationship?

Freedom to Grow

When you feel safe, supported, and cared for, you gain the confidence to grow. Through learning, self-reflection, and spiritual development, you deepen your understanding of yourself and the world around you. Within the relationship, your individuality is valued, respected, and encouraged every step of the way.

Freedom to Be Vulnerable

Within an emotionally safe relationship, you can leave your defences at the door. You no longer need to hide your emotions, insecurities, or fears knowing you’re accepted and respected unequivocally for all of who you are.

Freedom to Explore

As you explore new ideas, opportunities and places, you’ll encounter new knowledge, understandings, and experiences that will change you in ways that you may not yet be able to see.

You feel secure to take that next step forward because you know that you’re already wholly accepted for who you are and that the new, updated version of you will be accepted too.

Freedom to Express Yourself

You feel free to express yourself in every aspect of your life – from the way you dress to your political or faith views.

You enjoy the freedom of pursuing whatever interests you and feel confident to share your views in every situation.

What Are the Signs of an Emotionally Unsafe Relationship?

You Limit Yourself

Consciously or unconsciously, you hold back.

You may feel that you’re “too much” and so you hold back on little things like making a joke, backing up your opinion when it’s called into question, or saying what you really need.

Perhaps you don’t share as much as you could. Perhaps you’ve tried before, and it was closed down, dismissed, or met with derision.

Or perhaps at some level, you’re aware that sharing too much makes you more vulnerable and there’s a part of you that’s protecting you from that.

Your Focus Is on Never Putting a Foot Wrong

You tread carefully, never wanting to offend, challenge, or be disrespectful.

Your actions and words are carefully chosen. You feel as if you’re walking on thin ice all the time and that the success of the relationship is wholly reliant on your actions and words.

You Struggle with Boundaries

You accommodate – all the time.

When you do put a boundary in place, you find it difficult to follow through with it, often telling yourself, “It’s just this once” or “It won’t happen again.” But it does, time and time again, until that boundary has been breached so many times that you start to believe it’s too late to do anything about it now.

Your Responses Are Fear-Based

Fear drives your behaviour.

You say yes when you want to say no. You make concessions repeatedly and tell yourself you’re just making allowances. Your fear may be experience-based (look what happened last time) or abandonment-related. Both are relentless.

You Become Smaller

You’ve learned through experience that these parts of you are not welcomed. Previously, they’ve been met with sarcasm, dismissal, or sometimes not met at all. You’ve learned how bad this makes you feel, so you let these parts go, unaware that every time you do this you’re gradually eroding your own identity.

The Relationship Spills Over Into Other Aspects of Your Life

Your self-confidence drops, your anxiety levels rise, and you start to feel less positive about everything.

You might feel depressed, or experience a sense of helplessness due to feeling trapped within the relationship.

What Is the Impact of an Emotionally Unsafe Relationship?

Low Confidence and Self-Esteem

As your self-confidence drops, you no longer feel sure that you’re making the right choices. This can lead to avoiding opportunities or seeking constant reassurance.

Your sense of your own worthiness is diminished. You become more passive in your relationships and are quick to apologise and over-explain when neither response is justified.

Lack of Trust

Having learned the hard way that trust can be misplaced, you now find it difficult to trust others and can be wary of their motives. Whilst this is a natural protective response, it comes at a cost – feelings of isolation, anxiety and low mood.

Heightened Anxiety

Living in a state of hypervigilance within your relationship, where you’re always scanning for threats to your safety, results in your body adopting this way of being as a permanent state.

Your cortisol levels remain raised, your baseline shifts from calm to anxious, and you find that the slightest thing can make you feel unsafe.

Emotional Exhaustion

This is the tipping point. You feel tired all the time. Your emotional reactions are too big for the tiny situations that caused them. The things that once brought you joy no longer reach you. All decisions feel too difficult these days, and you can’t see a way out of your situation.

How Can I Build Emotional Safety?

Some ways you can build emotional safety in your relationship include:

• Set boundaries that define what is and is not acceptable for you
• Say when you do or don’t feel emotionally safe
• Communicate openly, respectfully and responsively
• Be consistent in your words, promises and actions

Outside of your relationship, you can create your own emotional safety plan.

This is a tool that will help build your resilience and that you can use in the moment to feel better. Whilst everyone’s plan will be different, the following key elements are useful to consider.

• Daily practices that build your safety levels (e.g. yoga, meditation, self-soothing techniques)
• Grounding techniques to bring you back to the present moment
• Physical activities to release tension and connect with your body
• Activities that make you feel safe
• Activities that raise your mood
• Coping strategies that help you manage stress
• Ways to process your emotions (e.g. journaling, art, therapy)
• Helpful contacts (e.g. a trusted friend, an emergency helpline)

Summary

Emotional safety is a vital foundation for both mental health and healthy relationships.

Everyone deserves to be emotionally safe, including you. Taking action could look like starting a conversation, creating your own emotional safety plan, or deciding to seek professional support.

Whatever action you take, start today.

Free Mental Health and Wellbeing Resources

New to our website? At The Wellness Society, we create practical, integrative mental health and wellbeing tools.

Explore our Free Tools Library to access a wide variety of resources today.